I Was Humiliated This Morning While Wearing Stylish Calvin Klein Pants From Costco (Size 36)

This morning I woke up in my hotel in New York and felt like a spring chicken. Normally I dont sleep too well when I’m here because of the constant elevator sounds, garbage trucks, and general noisiness of this enormous city. Today was different.

Office Manager Spider booked me a different spot and it’s great. It has a CLEAN bathtub, a guitar, and a robe so soft that I would have described myself as “cozy” last night. I enjoyed a root beer and snicker’s bar while watching the Golden State/Spurs game. Just dude stuff. I fell asleep before the game ended. The time on deck was about 9:45. Just lovely.

Because I woke up feeling rested even at the 5 o’clock hour, I was excited to get in the office and tackle the day. Well, I opened up my suitcase and pulled out a lovely pair of brand new Calvin Klein pants. I know. I know. That makes me sound rich. I’m not rich; I just know how to spot a bargain. 19.99 from Costco certainly qualifies as such.

The cold wind whipped through my pube-like beard and I was on top of the world with pants that fit me just right. It cradles me in all the right places. Testies, vasectomy or not. I was excited about my pants and feeling so confident that I hopped on the radio with Francis and Willie. They didnt ask me to. I just hopped right in.

Fran was in there too. I walked in the room with a smile on my face and as soon as I sat down, Fran said, “Chapsy, you have your pants’ sticker on your leg.”

I looked down. Yep. 36x 32. Right there. I was planning on lying about the size. But, I’ve been outed. Fuck. Would they have bought 34×32? I was willing to take that chance.

I continued on for the remainder of the show but make no mistake; my heart was broken into a thousand pieces.

To add to my troubles, when we left, I attempted to laugh about the whole thing with Fran.

“I’m gonna write a blog about this,” I told her with laughter so loud that it could mask my soul’s scream.

“Here. Let me take the picture…… CHAPS! You left the “Stretch” sticker on too.”

“HAHAHA” I said while wanting to die. “Classic dad move.”

“Classic old dad move,” said Fran whilst laughing.

“I’m going to point at your ass,” Super Bowl champion Willie Colon said.

“Haha thanks, guys. I gotta take this. My wife is calling….. Hey, honey. Yeah. Everything is good.”

The morning started with me feeling great about myself but now I was forced to lie to my wife. I hate doing that. A relationship’s success is built on honesty. We’ll work through it.

Anyway, I still like the pants I guess.